(Editor’s Note: In honor of National Family Caregivers Month in November, we’re sharing the details of caring days. We’d love to share yours; visit www.careyearsacademy.com/caring/ for details.)
We begin the story of our caring days with the story of one of my recent caring days. I answer the prompts in bold to provide the day’s details.
Which day of the week are you sharing with us?
Tuesday, October 26.
For whom do you care?
My parents, who are 90 and 87, live in their own apartment about 10 minutes from me. I began helping my dad in 2004 after his bladder cancer diagnosis. His cancer spread in late 2014 and he had surgery to remove his bladder, kidney and ureter in March 2015. He has battled skin cancer for decades and had plastic surgery in August 2015 to remove the skin cancer on his head with skin from his shoulder. My mom developed an internal bleed in July 2015 which could only be stopped with emergency surgery to remove one-third of her stomach. She was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in September 2021.
Tell us about yourself. Please include details about your career, your interests and your family.
I began supporting family caregivers in 1990 and launched one of the first online caregiving communities in 1996 which I managed until I sold it in 2020. Through my small business, I develop and lead training and leadership programs for family caregivers and former family caregivers.
I enjoy walking, swimming, politics and sports. I love to read newspapers, magazines and Twitter discussions. I am divorced with no kids but am an active aunt.
Tell us about your morning, including any routines for your and your caree.
I typically begin my work day at about 7 a.m.
I had a good morning, which included a grief movement session with Kathy Murri, a Certified Caregiving Consultant. My brother died suddenly in August 2021 and I am working through the grief. The movement has been incredibly comforting.
Tell us about your afternoon, including any routines for your and your caree.
I typically spend the afternoon of the fourth Tuesday of the month with my mom at a church guild meeting. I joined her guild in 2017 so that she could still attend. The guild members host meetings in their homes so I provide transportation and help my mom into the homes which often include some tricky steps.
This month, though, my mom and I attended a different club meeting -- her 20th Century Club meeting. (I appreciate the name of the club doesn’t make sense but it is what it is.) The meeting was very long so we were delayed in returning home. Unfortunately, my dad called me as we were eating a piece of cake we waited too long to enjoy. I didn’t look at my phone until I pulled into the driveway in front of their apartment complex and saw the emergency vehicle. Uh, oh, I thought.
Sure enough, the EMTs were there for my dad who fell while we were gone. He wanted to reach an item on their balcony so tried to balance on the lip of the doorway between their den and the balcony. Of course, he lost his balance and fell backward into the apartment. When he didn’t reach me, he called 911.
We arrived just as the paramedics were wheeling him out. I cleaned up the blood (so much), called my brother and sister, and then left for the ER. My sister left to be with my mom and my brother agreed to meet me later to spell me at the ER. I had a 7 p.m. meeting with presenters for our upcoming event, The Caring Conference, that I couldn’t miss. For the first time since launching my training programs, I rescheduled a training session for the Certified Caregiving Consultant program which was scheduled to happen at 5 p.m. The students were very understanding and we rescheduled to complete the session on Friday afternoon.
On my way to the ER, I thought of my brother, Tim, who died in August. I miss him so much during times like this; he was steadfast, comforting support. I still feel so odd only alerting one brother and one sister when there’s an emergency. (My oldest sister stopped helping us in 2015 and is rarely in the picture.)
I arrived to the ER at about 4:20 p.m. and waited in the waiting room for my dad to return from a CT scan. I got the okay to go to his cubby in the ER at about 4:40 p.m.
My dad was lucky to have his own space as patients were receiving care in the ER hallway. The doctor arrived shortly after me and began unwrapping the gauze on my dad’s forearm. (The EMTs always use gauze which is awful because it sticks to the wound. Unfortunately I wasn’t there to stop them.) My dad began yelling in pain and I requested pain meds for him. I held his hand while the doctor poured water on the worst skin tear I’ve seen -- the tear, which spans almost the length of his forearm, is just about to the bone. The nurse arrived with a low dose of fentynal which made very little difference in my dad’s pain. I requested another dose and the nurse returned a few minutes later with another dose.
After the doctor finished wrapping the wound, I checked with the nurse about additional visitors. One visitor (just one, no tag teaming), she said. Ugh. I walked outside to call my brother and sister and shared an update. I told my brother not to come because I am the only allowed visitor.
I arrived back to my dad’s cubby just as the doctor sealed the gash on my dad’s head with six staples. After I mentioned the visitor policy, the doctor assured me he’ll let my brother in. I called my brother back to ask him to come at 6:30 p.m. so I’ll be home in time for my 7 p.m. meeting.
Tell us about your evening, including any routines for your and your caree.
My dad was very tired by 6:15 p.m. so I shared that I’m leaving and that Keith, my brother, will arrive soon. I ordered a salad from Panera before leaving the hospital, which I picked up on my way home. I’m home at 6:50 p.m. so started the presenter meeting on time. At 7:30 p.m., I sat to eat and received text messages, including photos of flowers, from my sister-in-law who had spent the day at my brother’s grave. I debated and then decided to tell her about my dad’s fall. I texted with my siblings and called my mom. My dad continued to wait in the ER for a bed and my brother left for home at about 8:30 p.m. I was in bed at 10 p.m. but struggled to sleep because of thoughts of my dad’s wound.
What’s the best part of your day?
My grief movement session was by far the best part.
What’s the most challenging part of your day?
I had a hard time when the doctor took care of the wound of my dad’s forearm. I have done a lot of wound care for my dad and this was by far the worst. The doctor referred my dad to a wound care clinic because it will take several weeks to heal.
I so hope my dad will finally accept that he’s 90, not 70, and will make better decisions going forward.
My dad last fell the day after my brother’s funeral two months ago when he stumbled with a gallon of milk in their apartment lobby. I took care of the rug burn on his head; he visited his dermatologist a few days later just to be sure it was healing. I really hope he will just listen to his body, which is screaming for a slower life.
What’s your caring day? Learn more and share about yours: www.careyearsacademy.com/caring/.